
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/120515.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Chronicles_of_Narnia_-_C._S._Lewis
  Relationship:
      Caspian/Edmund_Pevensie
  Character:
      Caspian, Edmund_Pevensie
  Additional Tags:
      Angst, Drama, Romance
  Series:
      Part 13 of Narnia_Sequence
  Stats:
      Published: 2008-07-03 Words: 2267
****** Honour More ******
by Celandine
Summary
     "Who would I be, if I were not king?"
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
The encounter with the Sea Serpent brought home to Edmund the depth of his
feelings. When all was over, and the Dawn Treader escaped with nothing worse
than the loss of her carved stern, it was not the closeness of his own death
that made Edmund shake in reaction, certainly not that of Eustace nor even that
of Lucy, but the thought of losing Caspian.
His response disturbed him, irrational as it was. Caspian had fought in battles
without Edmund back in England even being aware of them, and here on shipboard
any danger to Caspian was most probably Edmund's danger too. Nor -- if Caspian
were to be injured or die -- would it be the first time Edmund had endured
loss. More than once when he had reigned under High King Peter had Edmund seen
his fellows fall in battle.
Yet this was different. Edmund loved Caspian in a fashion far deeper than mere
respect or appreciation of his fine qualities as man and king. It was rooted
through his very being, head and heart and body together. The recognition of
one who was his equal brought a delight that was as complete as it was
unanticipated.
He told Caspian of his feelings that night, hesitantly, as they stood together
at the ship's stern in the last vestiges of summer twilight.
"I thought I might lose you," Edmund murmured, his voice scarcely louder than
the sound of wind in the sail, to be heard by Caspian alone. "I could not have
borne that."
"Nor I, if I lost you." Caspian spoke under his breath also, then continued in
a louder tone, "It makes me wonder, now, what would happen to you if you were
to be killed here. Would you disappear back to your own world? Alive, or dead
there? Or would you simply die here and remain here?"
"I have no idea." Edmund gave a short laugh. "Peter used to ask the same thing
on occasion, when he went north to fight the giants on Ettinsmoor, for
instance. We never had an answer -- Aslan never gave any indication of that. I
suppose it doesn't seem important to him."
"Aslan might not care, but I would, very much." Caspian's voice was a whisper
again in the deepening darkness, and his fingers strong and warm against
Edmund's own.
"I would myself," Edmund said. "There is more that I would regret leaving here
in Narnia than back in my own world."
"It seems rather unfair that you should be able to come to this world, three
times now, and yet so far as I know, no one has ever visited yours from here,"
said Caspian thoughtfully. "I wish I could. I would like to see your world."
"You would not be a king there. I'm not."
"I wouldn't care about that, or at least, I don't think I would," said Caspian
thoughtfully. He moved a little closer to Edmund so that they were touching,
the warmth of their bodies together a defence against the coolness of the
evening air, and tugged him down to sit on the deck in the shadows. "Not if I
could be with you."
In his heart Edmund knew Caspian's dream to be impossible; there was no chance
that the two of them could ever be together for long, neither in Narnia nor in
England. "It would be worse for us in my world," he said thickly. "There are
laws, quite harsh ones, against two men loving each other." He used the word
unselfconsciously, and only realised what he had said when he heard the intake
of Caspian's breath.
"I do not understand. What right has your king to enact such a law? Surely what
passes between any two persons in private can be of no consequence to others."
Edmund shrugged. "You have my complete agreement. It makes little sense to me
either, but that is the law. But in fact it is not our king who creates the
laws, but the lords and ordinary subjects who are chosen for that task, in what
we call a parliament. Our ruler has far less real authority than you do, though
his extends over a greater territory."
Now Caspian moved to stretch out on his back, his hands behind his head,
looking up at the stars. After a moment Edmund did likewise.
"What are you thinking?" Edmund asked presently.
"Soon or late I shall have to marry." Caspian's words came slow. "I acknowledge
this; it is one of the duties of any king, and indeed I swore to... to someone,
once, that I would, though I have seven years yet in which to redeem that
oath."
"Will it be so bad?" asked Edmund gently.
Caspian sighed. "I do not know. I will do my best to find affection for
whomever my bride may be, but she will never hold my heart as you do." The last
few words were spoken so softly that Edmund almost could not hear them.
Edmund fumbled to take Caspian's hand again and grasped it silently.
"The law of your world may be sterner, but you need not marry unless you wish,
am I not right?" Caspian asked. At Edmund's murmured assent, he continued,
"Whereas here there might be surprise, for it is uncommon for two men to prefer
each other, but there is no law to forbid it. Except that a duty heavier than
law lies upon me as king. I do not know which of us has the worse of it, you in
your world, or I in mine."
"There is nothing either of us can do to alter the circumstances in which we
find ourselves," said Edmund, "unless it were to alter the entire idea of
kingship and succession in Narnia and put in place some other form of
government; and since Aslan himself named you king, I do not think that would
be possible. In my world there is nothing I can do, not as an ordinary person
and certainly not as a schoolboy, which I am still there."
Caspian chuckled. "I often forget that you are but a schoolboy in your own
world, King Edmund. You must be a very remarkable one indeed."
"Not especially." Visions of classrooms and the refectory, dormitories and
playing fields, crowded Edmund's mind. "I strive to excel at what is considered
important there so that I may in other ways be left alone."
"I understand." Caspian pressed Edmund's hand, and together they watched the
stars in silence for a time.
"If you could give up being king, would you?" Edmund asked at last.
Caspian did not answer immediately, instead holding Edmund's hand against his
breast, where Edmund could feel his heart beat.
At last Caspian said, "Who would I be, if I were not king? And who would be
king, if it were not I? I have at times envied the common sailors here on the
Dawn Treader, who may if they wish find pleasure in each other's company, and
no one to say them nay or think the less of them for acknowledging such needs,
be they physical or otherwise. In many ways I am less free than the least of
those sailors. Yet if I were not king, small chance that I would be here at
all, still less that you would be here with me. If I would taste the privileges
of kingship, I must take the bitter with sweet."
Edmund rubbed his thumb over Caspian's hand, feeling the sword calluses there,
then lifted it to his mouth to kiss the palm. "I thought you would say so. It
is as well that we do not choose our own destinies, is it not?"
In the dim light, Caspian's teeth gleamed pale when he smiled. "I think I must
agree. Edmund."
"Yes?"
"There is no way to know for certain how much longer you will remain, is
there?"
"Not unless Aslan should give some word or sign. The first time I was in Narnia
was for many years, as you know, but our departure was entirely unexpected and
unheralded. The second time Aslan warned Peter and Susan that we would be
leaving, but he told neither Lucy nor myself."
"Then since we do not know how much time we may have together, I think we
should not waste it." Caspian rolled over. His lips found Edmund's cheek. "For
now, may we lay aside this talk of kings and be merely two men together for a
space?"
"Anyone might come upon us," Edmund protested halfheartedly.
"Not so. I told Rhince that I had matters on which I wished to consult King
Edmund in private. The men on watch tonight will not disturb us, and your
sister and cousin are early abed after today's excitement."
Reassured, Edmund let Caspian pull him close, their mouths meeting, exchanging
heated kisses. Caspian fumbled at Edmund's clothing.
"We may never again have a better opportunity than this," he said, his voice
hoarse with longing. "Will you lie with me unclad, Edmund?"
Edmund hesitated. He trusted Caspian's assurance that they would not be
disturbed, but to go naked in the open air? Still, it was true that they might
well have no other chance. He could not deny Caspian this, and at last in
answer he began to unlace Caspian's tunic and breeches.
It was too dark now, even with the lanterns set at intervals around the deck
rail, for Edmund to make out the details of Caspian's body, but touching him
let memory and imagination fill in. Edmund ran his hands over Caspian's arms
and chest, feeling the muscles there. "You've practiced a great deal with the
sword," he remarked.
"Yes." Caspian was likewise stroking over Edmund's body, mapping bone and sinew
and muscle as he went. "Also riding and shooting and wrestling. I have found
that such exercise takes my mind off other matters."
"Matters such as this?" Edmund teased gently, as he let his hand drift
downward.
"Exactly so," agreed Caspian, hissing as Edmund fondled him. "Since I had not,"
he made the briefest of pauses, "he whom I wanted, better I should turn my
energies to some useful outlet."
Edmund wondered momentarily who might be the man or men to whom Caspian
referred. He had noticed Caspian's admiration for Peter on his prior visit, but
it seemed improbable that Caspian had nursed a desire for the High King for
three years when he knew that Peter would never return to Narnia. He scarcely
dared to hope that it might have been himself; far more likely that the object
of Caspian's desires was a fellow Narnian. No purpose was served in dwelling on
the matter.
"Edmund." Caspian's breath was warm against his neck. "Would you permit me to
take you, this time?"
"Willingly." It mattered little to Edmund, who took and who was taken, though
he knew that was not so for every lover of men. His own experience was by far
greater in the latter role than as lover, and he had learned to tolerate it,
even at times find pleasure. Till now, though, he had never been given a
choice, and he loved Caspian the more for it.
"I remember what you did," Caspian said softly. From amongst his clothing, he
produced a small flask of oil, tipping some into his palm before carefully
restoppering it and setting it aside.
Edmund made as if to turn over onto his hands and knees, but Caspian checked
him.
"I would look upon your face, if I may?"
"It will not be as easy for you," Edmund warned him, but acquiesced, drawing
his knees up as Caspian positioned himself between Edmund's legs. Slick with
oil, Caspian moved more slowly than Edmund had expected, to his unvoiced
relief. When at last Caspian was fully inside, he said in wonder, "Oh, Edmund.
I never imagined..."
Edmund's throat was tight. "Go on," he managed to say, thinking that he had
never imagined feeling this way either. Caspian taking him in love was unlike
any prior experience Edmund had had in school. He wanted to shout out his joy,
but prudence made him bite back his cries, instead stroking Caspian's skin,
urging him on with soft wordless noises.
As Caspian moved, Edmund slid a hand between their bodies to touch himself,
gazing up into Caspian's dark-shadowed eyes.
There was heat and pressure and a fullness that hovered on the verge of pain
yet never reached it and a glad ache in the muscles of Edmund's thighs as
Caspian moved over and within him. He gasped out when Caspian shifted, his
constricted voice repeating the syllables of Caspian's name in a litany of
desire.
Caspian trembled, a quiver so slight that Edmund might not have noticed it had
he been able to see better, but the near-loss of one sense heightened the
others, and he gentled Caspian's skin with a hand until the quiver turned into
first a shudder and then stillness, and then Caspian touched Edmund in return
with quiet intensity, their lips meeting to seal the promise of their bodies'
delight.
Afterward, tangled in Caspian's embrace, Edmund said drowsily, "If I had the
choice between you and my own world, I would choose you."
"No, you would not." Caspian was definite. "You have too much honour for that."
Edmund sighed. "You are right... but I wish that I thought there were some way
for us to be together, for more than this indeterminate time."
"So do I," Caspian said, pressing a kiss against Edmund's cheek, "but we will
take what Aslan gives us."
To which Edmund could only agree.
End Notes
     The title is from Richard Lovelace's poem "To Lucasta, on going to
     the Wars": "I could not love thee, dear, so much, / Lov'd I not
     honour more."
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